Owed to Mama

Ideas running through my mind. I see her standing at my room's door. Her face wet from water and her caring eyes looking at me. She wants to know that I'm alright and reassure her, although I'm not. I miss her and I miss her caring eyes. I miss her asking about me, I miss her feeling me, I miss her being around even when she was not around, I miss her being happy when I'm happy, and being sad when I'm sad. I miss her sitting by my side when I'm ill, preparing food when I'm hungry, encouraging me when I feel down, listening to me when I want to talk, arguing with me when I want to discuss, answering my questions when I want to doubt, and listening to my fears when I feel like expressing them. I miss my selfishness of being the center of her life. Of being cared for. No one is there to give me back my selfishness. No one here to show me how important I am…. How important I am in their life. No one else will give me this attention, this care and love. Her life didn't mean anything to her. My life meant everything to her. I was everything she wanted to protect. I was everything she cared for. And suddenly….
Suddenly she left me. I saw it coming, but couldn’t believe it. It happened suddenly. She was there right next to me. I felt she wants to say goodbye. I didn't want to believe it. I thought she had to fight. She lost hope long time ago. But I wanted to believe this hope… this non-existent hope. She wanted to see me happy. She wanted to see my wedding. But she knew that she will not see it. Back then I didn't think it was so important. I thought she will be able to make it. Now I know that I was selfish. Now I know that I couldn't see. I cried to her. I said to her: "Please don't go, I want yew to be good again." She promised she will. It wasn't in her hands.